


bulletproof loneliness

by outofmyday



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Confessions, Cuddling & Snuggling, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Neck Kissing, Self-Indulgent, ryuji is sad and ren comforts him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26508226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outofmyday/pseuds/outofmyday
Summary: ever since things calmed down after the recent palace infiltration, ryuji felt himself feeling a lot lonelier than he usually would.
Relationships: Amamiya Ren/Sakamoto Ryuji, Persona 5 Protagonist/Sakamoto Ryuji
Comments: 2
Kudos: 67





	bulletproof loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of unfinished works lying around and felt a sudden urge to write, so I decided to try and compile them together and add some things to create this. hopefully, you guys can get some warm feelings out of it. it's more self-indulgent than anything else. :') enjoy!
> 
> * proofread for the most part, but there may be some mistakes here and there

On a random day, just like any other normal day, sunlight poured in through the window, finally catching the attention of Ryuji, who was mindlessly scrolling through his phone and had been doing so for the past two hours.

He’d switched up his activities a lot throughout the night. He had a snack around midnight because he knew he wasn’t going to be getting any sleep yet again, he played video games until he felt too unmotivated to play anymore (which only took about twenty minutes, and fueled his growing frustration), he watched a couple of movies that bored him to death but he was so desperate for some kind of intake of media to distract himself that he couldn’t take his eyes off of the screen. Finally, he settled on the thing that never failed him; his phone. It had everything he had already tried to distract himself with and so much more.

He felt kind of strange, strange in the aspect that he found nothing satisfying these days. It wasn’t that his life was boring, in no way was it boring. Not in the slightest. It just felt as if everything and everyone around him was doing everything in its power to avoid him. Or at least, avoiding to bring him any kind of happiness.

He cracked a smile every once in a while, yeah, it’s almost impossible to not smile when he’s with his friends...But it had been a while. It had been a little over a week since they had defeated Kaneshiro, leaving the bank behind them.

For some reason, it felt like they left Ryuji behind them too. To him, at least, that’s what it felt like.

They ignored him a lot while they were infiltrating the bank, and disregarded most of his comments as dumb.

He knows, logically, they would never abandon him. He’s important to the team...At least he would hope so. Sometimes he’s not even confident in that, with how much he gets bitched at all of the time, it makes him wonder if they actually want him there or if they’re just being tolerant of him since he was one of the first people on the team to join, to get a persona…

No, he needs to stop thinking like that, it’s not true. He’s probably just tired…

_ Man _ , he thought,  _ I really chose the worst day to try and fix my sleeping pattern _ .

He always felt the loneliest when he was really tired, it kind of sucked in situations like these when it felt like the people he called his friends didn’t act like they wanted anything to do with him.

Maybe...Taking a small nap wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe by the time he wakes up, he’ll have a text from one of his friends asking if he wants to hang out. Yusuke usually wants to on the weekend, that’s the biggest possibility for now.

He’d really be okay with anyone at this point if he’s being honest with himself.

Ryuji got up for a moment to go turn his lights off, before quickly making his way back to his bed and crawling back underneath the safe space of covers he had collected on it.

He felt oddly hollow, noticing right away that this is the same feeling that he’s had for weeks at this point.

Now he didn’t even feel like he could sleep, no matter how tired he was.

It took twenty minutes of restlessness before he gave up, sitting up with a frustrated sigh.

Maybe this was for the best. Maybe he could fight it off until tonight and then have the best sleep that he will have gotten in a long time...He could just get up, go greet his mom before she left for work that day, and then go take a shower to keep himself awake.

Sounds like a plan to him.

Hours passed, Ryuji mindlessly doing things around the house that his mom hadn’t had the time to do recently. It was the least he could do, he thought. She deserved a lot more than he was giving her, he knew that...He just didn’t know how to fulfill that. He felt useless in that regard.

He suddenly snapped out of it, tearing his eyes away from what he was doing to throw himself back into reality.

He was definitely too tired, he felt so negative and depressed that it felt impossible to move from where he was standing. He didn’t feel motivated to move.

Then a noise from his phone caught his attention, him immediately thinking that it was the first message of the day that he had gotten. He picked up his phone from the kitchen table, seeing a text from Ren, asking if he knew…   
  
...Oh, it was just in the group text…

Why wouldn’t it be? What reason would Ren have for talking to just him, anyway?

Without even reading the rest of the message, Ryuji put his phone down, leaving it in the kitchen while he walked back to his room to lie down again.

It wasn’t like he could sleep, either. He had so many negative things running through his mind that it would do him no good. He felt so inferior today, and for what? He didn’t know…Everything started blurring together and he felt like they’d just be better off without him holding them back, and getting them in trouble all of the time…

He needed to distract himself. He didn’t need to let himself jump headfirst into this spiral again, not now of all times…

Sitting up, Ryuji walked towards his TV, sitting down on a cushion he had on the floor and turning on his game console. If he couldn’t do anything else, he would try and relieve his stress by playing his favorite game again. It would take his mind off of this for sure, or so he hoped.

He played for a couple of hours before hearing a sound come from the kitchen, pausing the game to think.

Then he remembered that he left his phone in there.

He jumped up, quickly walking into the kitchen and looking at the table where he left his phone, seeing the screen lit up with Ren’s caller ID.

Slightly confused, Ryuji answered it, holding his phone up to his ear.

“Hey, did you not see my texts?” Ren asked, and Ryuji immediately felt guilt seep into his bones.

“Ah, no...Sorry, I ain’t been payin’ attention to my phone much.” Ryuji said, his tone giving away his bad mood.

“Is something wrong?” Ren asked, startling Ryuji who was beginning to space out from his lack of sleep.

“...No…! Not at all, man. I didn’t get enough sleep, I guess.” Ryuji responded, sounding a bit defeated.

“I see...I was just wondering if you wanted to come over to help me with something. I haven’t seen you in a while so I figured it would be a good opportunity to see you.” He asked, and Ryuji felt his face lighten up a little bit.

“Sure, I’ll be over soon as I can if that’s okay with you?” Ryuji said, getting confirmation from Ren before hanging up the phone.

He felt a bit better, not completely but knowing that Ren chose him over any other option he probably had made him feel ten times better about what was worrying him.

Ren stared at Ryuji from his bed, seeing the boy in his usual slumped over posture on his sofa across the room. The energy in the room seemed off and had been ever since Ryuji walked in and didn’t crash into the bed with Ren like he usually would on any other day.

“Are you alright?” Ren asked, receiving an odd look from Ryuji.

“Yeah...Why d’ya ask?” Ryuji questioned, raising his eyebrows in confusion.

“You just seem... _ off _ , today.” Ryuji was even more confused by this. He didn’t even feel off until Ren mentioned it.

Well, maybe he did feel off lately. It just wasn’t something he wanted to mention to his friends.

“...May be that.” Ryuji said softly, yet it was clear enough for Ren to hear.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Ren asked, and Ryuji took a few seconds to think before he answered.

“I guess...Kinda.” He looked up when he said this, locking eyes with Ren for a split second before looking away in embarrassment.

Ren patted his hand on his bed, inviting Ryuji to come sit next to him so they could have a more stable conversation. Ryuji took the offer, slowly standing up and walking over to sit cross-legged on the foot of the bed.

It was silent for a few moments, mostly Ren looking at Ryuji waiting for him to say something while Ryuji couldn’t stop messing with his hands.

“How long have you felt like that?” Ren asked, deciding it would be better to start the conversation himself.

Ryuji thought, thinking back to the first time he noticed feeling this empty.

“Shortly before we infiltrated the bank...Y’know when we first started talking to Makoto trying to figure out what her deal was. Things felt so hectic that we all started losin’ time to hang out, and whenever we got around to takin’ care of that bastard Kaneshiro, the atmosphere was so stressful it felt like everyone was more irritated than usual, and were blownin’ me off more. I still feel lonely even though I’m here right now.” He said, and Ren saw how conflicted he was with himself.

“Why do you think that is?” Ren asked, trying to make sense of it himself.

“I dunno. It’s like...No matter who I hang out with, or how long, I still feel a bit lonely at the end. Like, they didn’t really wanna hang out with me in the first place.” Ryuji sighed, burying his face in his hands. “Sorry, dude. It’s kinda stupid of me to say all that.”

“No, not at all…” Ren said, feeling his fingers start to cramp up from building nerves, “Do you, like, uh...Do you wanna…?” Ren made a motion with his hands, feeling a bit awkward as he tried to signal out if Ryuji wanted a hug.

Ren fully thought Ryuji would blow off the question and laugh at him. He just figured that maybe it was something Ryuji could get comfort out of if he was feeling lonely. Ren could think of times where he felt the exact same way as Ryuji, and that was what his problem was.

To Ren’s surprise, Ryuji slowly nodded, his sad eyes looking back at the floor.

Ren’s face heated up, more out of surprise than anything else. Another big shock to him is that Ryuji made the first move, resting his head on Ren’s shoulder and letting out a sigh of relief.

This wasn’t what Ren had in mind, but it was definitely ten times better.

Ren rubbed up and down Ryuji’s back, trying his best to make whatever feelings of loneliness he had melt away.

He noticed that Ryuji was shaking a bit, mostly from holding back tears that were threatening to spill any second.

“Is there anything else that I can do to help? Like, get you a glass of water or-”

“No.” Ryuji said in a quick, strained voice.

Ren’s heart melted at that line. Well, melted and broke simultaneously.

“Okay...How about you lie down then? You said you didn’t get much sleep, it might help if you try and get a little bit of sleep.” Ren said, repeating the same motions on Ryuji’s back, hoping to calm him down.

Ryuji nodded, scooting back on the bed and snuggling himself into Ren’s arms, to which came with no complaints from either of them.

Ren brought his other hand to Ryuji’s head, slowly running his fingers through the blonde’s hair in hope of stopping whatever wave of dread that was overcoming Ryuji.

It worked well for Ryuji, as he felt waves of tingling relief bleeding into different areas of his body. He nuzzled his face closer to Ren’s chest, his eyes fluttering open and closed with calm-induced drowsiness.

“Ren...” Ryuji sighed, his fingers resting on the opposite side of Ren’s body starting to fidget.

“Yeah?” Ren asked softly, continuing to move his fingers through Ryuji’s hair.

“I don’t wanna feel alone anymore.” Ryuji said, his voice growing fainter with each syllable. He wasn’t so sure of what he was saying anymore, as he was so tired it was like words were just falling out of his mouth with no filter.

Ren’s hand migrated from Ryuji’s scalp to rest on his cheek, using his thumb to wipe away a stray tear Ryuji didn’t even realize he’d cried.

“What can I do?” Ren asked, waiting for Ryuji to gather himself enough to respond.

“I dunno...I guess I really just...Want this feeling to go away.” Ryuji asked, feeling stupid having let those words come out of his mouth.

“...Yeah, I get it.” Ren simply responded, leaving his hand where it was.

He stared at Ryuji’s face, feeling his breaths start to shorten until Ryuji’s eyes slowly opened to see what was up.

“Hey…” Ryuji said softly, shifting his face a bit forward to get a bit closer to Ren’s, “Is it okay if we...I mean, do you wanna?”

Ren slightly nodded his head, moving a bit slowly in astonishment before resting his forehead against Ryuji’s.

“Are you sure that’s what  _ you  _ want?” Ren asked, feeling his fingers start to go numb in anticipation, and the adrenaline in his veins start to pump as he was hoping to whatever being in control of the universe that he was interpreting Ryuji’s words right.

It was when Ryuji softly grabbed Ren’s hand and hummed in response, that Ren decided to make his move.

He moved slowly, trying to give Ryuji time to change his mind if he wanted to, but to Ren’s surprise, Ryuji ended up meeting him halfway and connected their lips in what felt like a somewhat-desperate manner.

The situation at hand did feel kind of strange, Ren originally invited Ryuji to come and help him with something that they never even got around to. And now, this was happening. Not that Ren was complaining but he didn’t think that today of all days, this would happen.

Ren slowly moved his face to the crook of Ryuji’s neck, taking a deep breath before placing deep, slow kisses above his collarbone. The feeling soothed the tension in Ryuji’s body, making his arms and legs feel like jelly.

Those feelings were intensified when Ren starting going up to suck on the sensitive skin of the side of Ryuji’s neck, slowly enough for it not to be overwhelming.

Ryuji found a lot about this soothing. Ren’s body pressed against his, the warm, slow kisses being placed on his neck, and the fact that Ren’s hair was softly brushing over his jawline.

All of his doubts and worries faded away, and now all he was focused on was this new experience with someone he wouldn’t have ever expected he’d feel that kind of way for. Regardless, it felt right, like something he had been longing for so badly that it hurt.

Believe him, he wouldn’t be engaging in this at all if he didn’t have any sort of feelings for Ren. He saw his chance to get a word in, a bold move on his part, and Ren just so happened to reciprocate those feelings. He was grateful things worked out this way, it was a big contribution to his stress, keeping those feelings all bottled up and guarded.

He didn’t feel like he had anything to worry about when he was with Ren, he was free. He was certain he had told him that before, although Ren couldn’t really figure out what he meant, Ryuji didn’t realize what he meant at first either. He knew now, though. These worries that built up within Ryuji over time all ceased to exist when he spent time with Ren, something he never felt happen with anyone else before.

He had been burdened with the weight of worry for what felt like his entire life. Starting with his family, then things with school, and even now feeling like he meant so little to other people. Ren makes him feel like none of those things can hurt him anymore.

He never thought that he could find the presence of a single person so comforting, yet here he was.

“Are you okay?” Ren asked, letting up for just a moment to whisper the question into Ryuji’s ear.

Ryuji felt his face flush red, chills shooting down his spine in a way they never had before.

“Y-Yeah, sorry...I was just...Thinkin’ about some stuff.” He stuttered out, really wishing that Ren hadn’t stopped.

Ren lifted his head up just a bit more to look at Ryuji’s face, noticing almost immediately in the dying sunlight that his cheeks were dusted with dark pink, bringing a small smile to Ren’s face.

“Why’re you giving me that look?” Ryuji asked, a little embarrassed although he wouldn’t admit it.

“You look so cute right now.” Ren said this outright, followed by a chuckle, taking Ryuji by surprise and in the flustered chaos breaking out within him, Ryuji pushed Ren every so slightly by his shoulder.

Also to Ryuji’s surprise, Ren swooped down to press another kiss to his lips, and the hand that Ryuji had brought up to shove him rested on his cheek instead.

If Ryuji felt butterflies in his stomach before, they were without a doubt swarming now.

Everything started to blur together again, Ryuji felt like a big reason was that he was so sleep deprived. The small amount of force he put into the kiss weakened, and at that, Ren pulled away.

“Do you feel any better?” Ren asked softly, and Ryuji nodded.

“A lot better. Thanks, man...I really hope you didn’t do that just because you felt bad for me or nothin’ like that.” Ryuji said, and Ren shook his head, looking a bit offended.

“I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t like you, you know.” Ren said, a small pout on his face which Ryuji found to be quite amusing.

“Yeah...Same here. M’ glad.” Ryuji smiled, removing his hand from Ren’s face to cover his eyes in disbelief.

This didn’t feel real. Perhaps it was because of the sleep deprivation, or just from how much adrenaline was rushing through his body, but it was something he hoped that would still be real by the time he woke up.

He felt Ren move around before he felt himself lying again his chest again, the weight of the world becoming ten times lighter all in that one moment.

He could finally rest without any worries, something he hadn’t done in a long time.

“I’m really sorry if we did anything to make you feel like we didn’t care about you, Ryuji. Just know that you’re just as important to the team as the rest of us are, as a friend, too. Okay?” Ren said, kissing Ryuji on his forehead before resting his chin on top of the blonde’s head.

And at that, Ryuji fell asleep with no negative feelings flooding his body. It was the best sleep he had gotten in weeks, and the best day he had in months.

The seemingly unbreakable loneliness he believed himself to have shattered into pieces in front of him, becoming no more in the arms of Ren.


End file.
